Caregiving Almost Broke Me — Becoming a Caregiver Transformed Me.
A smoldering silence surrounds aging and dying in the US. When I think back to my years in the American educational system, aging and dying were not a part of the curriculum. Not even in biology. Births, yes, but my aging or eventual demise? Not a paragraph. This silence is embedded in our healthcare system, our government, our educational system, our economy, our families and our communities. This silence permeates the air we breathe and we are slowly choking on it.
In 2020, I experienced this silence and its side-effects first hand. When both of my aging parents endured several, simultaneous health set-backs, I embraced the role of primary caregiver. Like so many before us, my brother and I willingly pushed ourselves to all sorts of incomprehensible extremes to help those we love.
I learned that the lack of caregiver support in the US is so prevalent the CDC considers it a Public Health Issue. Navigating another human’s complex diagnoses and surgeries while trying to manage your own obligations is enough to push any reasonable person over the edge. Loop in the labyrinths of Medicare, insurance, Social Security, bizarre legal and financial issues, ageism, denialism, and a healthcare system that is more like a high-speed factory and you have a sampling of caregiving for an older adult, illness, and dying in the US.
Along the way, like every resourceful family caregiver I have come to know, I learned many tools, tricks, and techniques. As I dug myself out of overwhelm, I discovered that it is when we are willing to be transformed, willing to reach out for help and demand support, that some pretty amazing things can happen.
What I have come to understand is this: resilience is a muscle. The more I work at it, the stronger I become. Once I expanded my focus to encompass four distinct areas of my life, and not only the daily medical needs of my aging loved ones, I became a better caregiver, daughter, advocate, professional, wife, sister, friend, and neighbor. But it takes patience, and practice. Lots and lots of messy practice. Yes, caregiving can be enriching, heartwarming, and hilarious — it’s also frustrating, overwhelming, and heartbreaking.
Many caregiving frustrations are still present and I imagine that outrageous moments will continue to surface; but, I no longer feel utterly helpless – I feel equipped. I’ve joined forces with others who were also drowning when they first became family caregivers. New Caregiver exists to empower family caregivers with tools, resources, information, and more. We seek to normalize the conversation about caring for older adults and the dying as we co-create new solutions to support those just beginning their journey. As November is National Family Caregivers Month (NFCM), it’s a fitting time to get started.
A resilient family caregiver can move mountains; but, we can’t do it alone or in silence. We invite you to subscribe to our newsletter or connect through Instagram and Facebook. We welcome your questions, your feedback, your stories, and your ideas.
Let’s do this.