Better With Boundaries
I once heard research professor Brené Brown say, “ Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” It sent me on a spiral of thinking back to all the times I have said yes to others, only to disappoint myself with the act of doing something I didn’t want to do.
I decided to deep dive into Brené's work around boundaries and was shocked to read, “The most compassionate people [she knows] have boundaries, and their boundaries are what keep them out of resentment.” It made me realize the number of times I have had a lack of boundaries – because I cared deeply about not hurting someone – and how my lack of boundaries led to me being hurtful beyond what I knew I was capable of.
When my mean moments of caregiving are displayed in front of me in the shame spiral of memories, I can see that had I spoken up and respected my boundaries of what I needed and where my line was, I wouldn’t have been living in resentment.
Thinking about old resentments, I often had equal parts directed inward as much as toward whomever I poured myself empty for. The resentment towards myself was almost worse because I could list the hundreds of times I said yes and showed up despite knowing it was going to deplete me.
Had I understood this sooner, I would have realized the better way to care would be to say, “these are my needs and for me to continue to show up for you, I need you to take these needs seriously.” But that is the benefit of hindsight.
“Imagine how your life could hold even more compassion by giving yourself permission to speak your needs.”
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
In caregiving, our needs will never be as extreme as those we care for, but sometimes we do need to be able to finish our meal before we tend to non-emergency stuff. Examples of healthy boundaries for caregivers might include::
“Please say “good morning” to me before you list the things you need from me in the morning. It helps me not feel like I’m just here to tend to your needs, but that I matter.”
“Please, don’t ring the alarm that you need me 20 times in a row when you know I am coming to see what you need – I’ve told you the noise causes anxiety.”
“Stop asking for things you know I can’t do because they are not prescribed or allowed by medical professionals.”
These are just a few examples and each caregiver's needs are unique, but I can assure you that your compassion and care will improve when you are tending to your needs as well as the person you are caring for. Setting boundaries is a quick way to prevent burnout.
People may feel they don’t have the authority to create boundaries because they are often with people they look up to and admire. They might say to themselves, “I can’t set a boundary with my mom, because she is my mother and I want to show her respect.” But what if we adjust our perspective and acknowledge that our respect increases when we create boundaries in our relationships? We all have authority over our lives and how much access we give to others.
Can you think of a moment where if you had communicated a boundary, the situation would have played out differently? Can you think of a time that you sabotaged your own needs, leading you to act out of character towards those you love? Now, can you think of a time you witnessed someone else speak their needs in a way that made them feel seen and heard – so that people listened and respected them?
Imagine how your life could hold even more compassion by giving yourself permission to speak your needs. Start small, and watch the changes unfold in front of you.
The benefits of having a supportive community for family caregivers cannot be overstated and goes hand in hand with setting healthy boundaries. Unfortunately, few states have robust programs for informal caregivers, and the patchwork of information and resources that is available can lead to new family caregivers feeling overwhelmed. It might take a little bit of research, but there is a support group for everyone, and the right one for you will help you set and respect your boundaries. This week’s resource focus includes links that can help you learn more about boundaries and a few ideas for finding a support group.
Setting healthy boundaries:
Brené Brown on empathy, compassion and boundaries... | By The Work of the People
How to set boundaries and protect your energy
Locate a support group in-person or online:
9 Caregiver Support Groups that Help Caregivers in Need | CaringBridge
Agencies and Organizations | Caregiver Action Network
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