Balancing Roles While Caring for an Aging Parent: 7 Tips to Avoid Sibling Resentment
Before I go into this, I need you to understand that I’m lucky. I have a younger sister, 7 years my junior, and we have spent the past 44 years as best friends, allies, partners in crime - all the things. She is my heart – we can talk about anything and rarely argue, except when it comes to what constitutes a good movie.
She lives across the street from my 80-year-old mom and is the primary caregiver for her while juggling a job, a family, and several rescue animals. She is an incredible woman. She takes on a lot for my mother as the primary caregiver – ensuring meals are made, groceries are bought, doctor’s appointments are made, medicine is managed, and Mom is entertained and loved.
When my father was in his final months of life and needed significant support she did the lion’s share – showering, transferring, wound care, and more. Now, she is with Mom EVERY SINGLE DAY. My load is markedly lighter and includes much administrative work - managing the home health aide calendar, paying the bills, doing the taxes, etc. I do my best to see Mom at least 3 days a week to spend time with her, and occasionally bring food, take her out for meals or just lie with her in bed watching TV. If we were a company and mom was the CEO (because let’s face it, she is), my sister would be the COO doing all of the operations, and I’d be the CFO with some General Counsel thrown in for good measure.
We do have help – home health aides come in on most days. In addition, financially, my father prepared our family for the eventuality of needing help in their later years. Before he passed away, due to his complex condition, we had 24/7 care and hospice support but we still felt stretched to the max. I will say, it’s easier now. Mom is 100% not a tough case, but it’s still time-consuming and we worry about the future if things get rougher.
Despite the best possible position a family could be in, we still struggle from time to time to negotiate all the things that need to be done daily. And as sisters – even very close ones – we fall into jealousy, sibling resentment, overwhelm, and more. We fail to ask for help when we need it. We silently seethe if one doesn’t do what we think the other should. I struggle with guilt all the time because she does more – even when she reassures me, she’s fine and she’s ok with it – she was born to do this (she’s said that before).
I often wonder, how do families survive the stress, heartbreak, and daily struggle that comes with caregiving of aging parents if siblings don’t get along, are estranged, or simply one (or more) refuses to help at all? In some cases, people just won’t or can’t step up, no matter how hard the situation, or how loud you scream. Through ongoing work and attention, my sister and I have grown into our caregiving roles and our relationship has deepened. These 7 tips for siblings can create a smoother journey when caring for an aging parent together.
1. Communicate
Easily the most important step. From the beginning of the caregiving journey, when someone realizes that support is needed, communication between siblings will pave the way for a much easier ride. Figure out how you will communicate, how often, and what you will discuss regularly. My sister and I blessedly talk most days and carve out time for one another every few weeks for just the two of us to hang out and enjoy one another’s company – we love our martini/pizza/pajama parties – they are just for us and remind us that we are, first, sisters.
2. Establish boundaries – what can you offer?
If we all could drop everything to be caregivers and not worry about family, money, or jobs this stuff would be a whole lot easier. People have different capacities to help, and the responsibilities of life can complicate matters. Establish what you can, cannot, and will not do regarding time, money, and more. I have a demanding job that requires me to travel quite a bit while managing a large team. This job is important for the financial well-being of my family and has allowed me to move closer to my mom to help when I can, but I can’t visit every day and I need some recuperation time over the weekends. My sister has a younger family still at home -so she makes sure she carves out time for them. She lives closer to Mom so she can drop in a bit easier than I can, but she makes sure she is home for dinner with her family every night.
3. Identify needs
Do you agree on what is needed in terms of care? This is often a tricky one. Depending on people’s perspectives on how they think a loved one should be cared for, the actual needs could be seen as very different from one person to the next. Agree as much as possible on what the loved one needs. My sister needs to have a set schedule for our aides to accommodate her work, and we are willing to invest the funds required to preserve her time. We agree that Mom is ok at night by herself, but we have a camera that I use to check on her and she wears a medical alert necklace for added reassurance.
4. Lean on your strengths
Are you a nurturer? Are you a planner? Are you comfortable with budgets and paying bills? Are you in the enviable position of having money you can direct to the effort? Everyone has strengths that can be leveraged in this situation. Figure out what those are – offer them as support. I am a planner and don’t mind the financial or legal side of caregiving while my sister would rather not deal with these things. My sister is more of a nurturer and is more comfortable as a hands-on caregiver. These complementary skill sets have served us well over the past few years.
5. Identify roles and responsibilities
Once you’ve identified your strengths, clearly lay out who’s responsible for what. We’ve been doing this for a while now, so we have a good basis to work from, but we still do check in with one another as things come up which is important to balance sibling caregiver burden. My sister has learned that taking on too much and not voicing her frustration or overwhelm causes resentment in her and confusion in me. I have learned to watch out for signs that she is reaching her threshold and try as best as I can to jump in. Partners have roles too, and having supportive ones who can be leveraged to assist in a myriad of ways is a blessing and something that should be considered.
6. Recognize that the plan will change - be flexible
The needs of your loved one will change, so you need to adapt. When things get tough, one day at a time is the best way forward. Sometimes planning and predicting all the potential future situations is draining and non-productive. Day-by-day on the hardest days is often the best you can do.
7. Check-in
Check in regularly with one another. Recognize signs of overwhelm, burnout, and distress and confront them with empathy and compassion. Hard conversations will be worth it.
And finally, and so importantly - recognize the work! For all you will do, it’s critical to acknowledge and recognize when someone is doing the hard work. Little things that support one another will go far.
As a primary group, families are the building blocks of communities; unfortunately, not all families thrive together, and caring for an aging parent can strain even the most stable family relationship. Caregiver support for family members can ease the sibling caregiver burden and the following are further resources to support you and your sibling on your caregiver journey.
5 Tips to Build Sibling Teamwork When Caring for Aging Parents
Caregiver sibling resentment over elderly parents: is this you? | Home Instead
Better Health While Aging's Podcast: Minimizing Family Conflicts & Supporting Aging Parents
Conflict Resolution for Family Relationships
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