The Unexpected Side of Grief
Grief. It can wash over us all at once, leaving us unmoored and adrift, or sneak up on us days, weeks, or months later. The death of anyone for whom we have cared will leave a mark – the nature of the relationship will determine the extent of the scar. There are many types of grief, and while everyone’s experience of grief is unique, experts agree that it is best to navigate it slowly.
Before and after my dad’s death due to Chronic Subdural Hematoma and in the midst of caring for my mom (and learning about Vascular Dementia), I experienced the common psychological symptoms of grief, along with some unexpected physical ones. Indeed, scientists are uncovering how social pain and physical pain share similar chemical and neural foundations.
Subconsciously, I think I connected the stress of caregiving and grief with what I was experiencing in my body but for my own sanity needed to rule out something (or some things) more insidious. Unfortunately, seeking answers from physicians left me with more unanswered questions and heaps of anxiety. What I got were cryptic non-diagnoses and offensive insinuations. That I was in the midst of an epic caregiving marathon during a global pandemic did not seem to register with any of them – they offered unnecessary tests, treatments, and expensive prescriptions. One did not even bother with a physical examination. I imagine they, too, were overwhelmed and mired in grief.
Well-meaning friends asked if I was meditating and I was, or rather was trying to. Over a decade ago I completed the 8-week MBSR course pioneered by Jon Kabat-Zinn; but, even with a somewhat regular mindfulness practice I was still drowning in grief. Exercise, nutrition, sleep, and all sorts of healthy behaviors fell away as the caregiving burdens stacked up. Grief easily tipped me into deeper waters.
In an attempt to regain some sense of myself, I started reading a single, short poem each morning whether I felt like it or not. Then I connected with a coach I trusted who was trained in Feldenkrais and various other somatic modalities. What she taught me changed my life. With her thoughtful and patient guidance, I found my footing and began approaching all I was experiencing with increasing curiosity and self-compassion. As I learned to carry my grief with me, I started to heal emotionally and physically. My profound belief in the power of awe resurfaced, and my path forward crystallized.
The New Caregiver team and I scoured the internet and took an informal poll to gather some insights. Below are some of the unexpected side-effects of grief that people can experience. Please note that this list is not exhaustive and is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
It is important to remember that grief is not a linear journey but rather a dynamic process with different stages. Its impact extends beyond the emotional realm, reaching into the corners of our minds and bodies. As people cope with loss in various ways, seeking solace through personal or spiritual rituals, communal support, or engaging in practices that address the mind-body connection can provide a holistic path toward healing.
I was uncomfortable with the term spiritual for many years and didn’t really understand or connect with all that it could mean until I became a caregiver. I feel it now, and it shapes how I view and move through the world. It is one facet of caregiving that helped me to exit overwhelm. The following resources may offer insights for any who are curious.
Religion and Spirituality in Adjusting to Bereavement, Grief as Burden, Grief as Gift
The Missing Link: Spirituality and Grief
Why this poet sees grief as its own kind of spiritual practice : NPR
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