Finding Light and Laughter in the Shadows: 8 Ideas for Cultivating Humor as a Family Caregiver
Sometimes, I need to laugh at dementia. To be clear: dementia and all forms of its relations are heartbreaking. Silently snatching fragments of personality, identity, and lifelong anchors, dementia robs an individual of so much, including their independence and agency; still, this does not mean that someone living with dementia is doomed to exist solely in a joyless, meaningless fog.
My mother has been living with dementia for years. Pinpointing the onset is tricky, because, well, my parents’ geriatrician earned the boot for using absurd phrases like, “She has bubbles on the brain,” and tossing prescriptions around like confetti; moreover, their doctor never once suggested opening up to the family or involving us, their adult kids, in the conversation. Not. Once.
Our family has always been close so we thought the memory lapses were normal aging (they are not). It took a very kind, brave stranger fresh from her caregiving ordeal—and some clues—to shake us into action. But this unfolding is pretty routine from what we eventually learned. Denial, secrecy, shame, fear, anger, you name it, we’ve experienced it. But that’s the thing, this particular gloom thrives in the dark and the silence.
My parents are part of the silent generation so I can appreciate why they wanted everything to stay the same with such a bleak prognosis. But speaking from personal experience, the silence and shame are a problem for all of us. Whether we like it or not, dementia is here to stay for the foreseeable future and I am tired of crying, of burnout, the silence, and the stigma.
Though my mom continues to evolve in many ways, she is still herself, still has a wicked sense of humor, and now has some intriguing new layers to her personality that make things interesting. I look forward to being together when it is hard and laughing together at whatever her "brain bubbles" throw our way.
Living in a small memory care community since Dad died, she is much safer and receives routine and more nuanced health monitoring. I remain her primary caregiver (future post: the ways you don’t stop being a caregiver when your loved one moves into a care community) and have my life with my partner. Now, I get to focus on being supportive and having fun with her which helps her flexing emotions. Emergencies are not going away, but the buffer we created means I can work again (i.e. we can save for our future care), and Mom has noticeably dialed down her threat matrix from an 11 to at least a 9. Humor is an essential part of how we navigate challenges.
Case in point: When her life-alert pendant disappeared, it sparked a weeks-long search. Mom was bleak, convinced it had been stolen. The staff and I had written it off until I was recently tucking her in for an afternoon nap and noticed a suspicious bulge in a little-used pillow. Curious, I unzipped it to find an eyeglass case, and inside that eyeglass case were not eyeglasses (I know, right?!), but the missing pendant. Mom’s eyes widened as she exclaimed, “Somebody put that in there!.” My reply was well-rehearsed: “They sure did—how funny is that?!” We both laughed until we cried.
As a family caregiver, a bit of humor can be a lifeline. It is not about making light of the situation but finding light within it. So, to all my fellow caregivers out there, try to find something funny every day because it's self-care and therapy in its own right.
Below are 8 ways to cultivate your sense of humor:
Listen to Don’t Take Life Too Seriously: Learn How to Laugh at Yourself and Have More Fun - Bonus points for lightly touching on happiness in the face of racism, health challenges, grief, trauma, and ageism.
Learn your humor style with Humor, Seriously
Enjoy Awkward Family Photos
Watch How to Tell a Joke: An Ancient Guide to the Art of Humor
Explore The Onion or the Weekly Humorist
When all else fails, watch screaming goats
It’s been proven that humor is healthy, laughter sometimes really is the best medicine, and having a silly bent just might help your brain.
Here’s the thing that many ignore: humor is a practice. You must work at it. Also, Laughter Yoga is a thing and it just might be the thing that gets you giggling.
How do you find laughter amidst the challenges of caregiving? Comment below or send us an email, we read every reply.